The third principle of Love and Logic is: Provide a Strong Dose of Empathy Before Delivering Consequences
As you may have learned from personal experience, when we hurt, we are often moved to make changes we might not otherwise make. Similarly, Love and Logic parents know that the pain of poor choices helps children learn to avoid mistakes. They also know that for this to happen, parents must allow it to happen in a loving way. Love and Logic parents are both strict and very loving at the same time.
Love and Logic parents LOVE it when their children make mistakes! Why? Because the price tags of those mistakes made by young children are much smaller than those made by teens. What's the price tag of wasting one's allowance at age five? It's insignificant. What's the price tag of wasting one's paycheck at age twenty-one? That's another story! What's the price tag of crashing one's tricycle? Perhaps a skinned knee. What's the price tag off crashing one's car at age sixteen? Perhaps one's life.
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| About ready to take off! |
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| Our happy little guy!
A couple of months ago we taught Isaiah the word "hot." He knew when he saw my curling iron that it was "hot" but his book, the wall, his stuffed animal, and the raspberry he was eating were also "hot." We were happy that he could say the word but we wanted him to know the meaning. So, we allowed him to briefly touch my "hot" curling iron. Did he cry? You betcha! (Don't worry, we didn't burn and blister him or anything! =) There was no lasting mark!) But you know what? He learned what "hot" means! And now he says the stove, the hand dryers at McDonald's, his hot dog that just came out of the microwave, and my parents' pellet stove are "hot." He needed to hurt a little to learn to avoid making that mistake in the future. We'd much rather have him cry for a minute from touching one little finger to a curling iron than have him reach out and grab the whole barrel with his hand because he doesn't know what the word "hot" means. It's been a great comfort to us to be able to say something is "hot" and see him avoid it. (And he is just so adorable when he sees something hot. He says "hot, hot, hot" over and over again and reaches out his hand like he's going to touch it and then quickly brings it back again just like we do when we tell him something is hot. He's so precious!)
Here's a picture from this past Christmas that shows Isaiah's understanding of the word hot. We were at my grandparents and they have a gas heater with a very hot pilot flame that has nothing protecting little hands from touching it. Isaiah reached out to touch it while I was taking a picture of him.
I immediately told him that the heater was hot and he was not allowed to touch it and he pulled his hand right back! He doesn't mess around with hot things! :)
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Robert's dad, Steve, had not gone fishing in a long time, and he was looking forward to this trip. This time Steve was taking his son, who was going fishing for the first time. They were both excited; however, by the time they made the hour-long drive, little Robert was what we call "three-quarters cranky"- not really a problem yet, but getting there.
Robert started to whine, "I don't want to go fishing. This is boring. It's cold up here."
"Well," said Steve, "let's give it a try since we came all this way." The two of them found a shallow part of the lake and walked out halfway, where it was only about a foot deep. There were some mossy rocks- fairly flat but not very high- jutting out of the water.
When Steve looked up, he saw Robert starting to climb one of the low rocks. He thought to himself, "I better warn him and tell him to get off that rock. He's going to fall in. I know he is."
What does a wise Love and Logic parent do at this point? The first question is always, "Will my child get hurt if he makes a mistake?" Steve quickly reviewed the situation. "It's sandy here, not high, but he could get cold." The second question a parent asks is, "What will the child learn from this?" Steve thought, "He'll never do it again!"
A second later Steve heard a big splash. he turned and saw Robert jumping out of the water moving toward his father. "Daddy!" Robert cried, "You didn't tell me that rocks get slippery when they're wet!"
"Well," asked his father, with warmth and sadness in his voice, "What do you think?"
"I think they do!" Little Robert said as his dad pulled a towel from his backpack and wrapped it around his son.
"You're right!" said Steve. "You are one smart kid, you know that?"
Steve contributed to Robert's self-concept by letting him make the slippery rock discovery on his own. He didn't enjoy watching his son fall in, but he allowed it, because he knew it was an opportunity for learning. The next time they went fishing, do you think little Robert watched the rocks closely to be sure of his footing? Absolutely!
Love and Logic parents look upon their children's mistakes with great joy! Rather than get angry or frustrated, they see mistakes as opportunities for their kids to think. They ask questions, wait for answers, and make heavy deposits into their children's wisdom accounts. Unfortunately many parents short-circuit or destroy the learning value of mistakes by lecturing or responding with sternness or anger.
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| Bath time! (and notice the thumb poised for action! I had probably just pulled it out of his mouth. =) |
Why Anger Short-Circuits Learning
The "fight or flight" response exists in all human beings. When we feel threatened or in danger, our brain tells us, "this is unsafe! Get ready to fight, or get ready to run away!" When we deliver consequences with anger, children's brains go into "survival" mode rather than "learning" mode. They think more about escaping or getting revenge than about how to make smarter choices in the future. In survival mode, we cannot learn. But, when parents provide empathy before delivering consequences, there is no "fight or flight" response. Our children are much less likely to become too angry or scared to learn or to blame others for his or her mistake.
Every time we use empathy, our kids' reasoning brains turn on. Every time we deliver threats or anger, their reasoning brains turn off. Empathy opens the mind to learning.
ANGER VS. EMPATHY
Consequences with Anger
- Stop spitting that food! Quit it! That's it! I'm sick and tired of this! You'll just have to go hungry!
- For crying out loud! If you would just take care of your toys, they wouldn't break. No! I won't buy you another. What do you think? Do you think money grows on trees?
- No, I am not taking you out for pizza. What do you expect after the way you behaved last time? I hope this teaches you a lesson!
- Quit that wining! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop it! Go to your room!
Consequences with Empathy
- How sad. Dinner is over.
- Bummer. I feel so sad when I break my things.
- That is so sad. We can have pizza sometime when I don't have to worry about tantrums in the restaurant.
- Uh-oh. So sad. Looks like a little bedroom time.
Well, that's all for now, folks! I'll write about the last Love and Logic principle soon. I know to some people this may be pretty boring but I am sure to many mothers with young kids out there it is very, very interesting! =) I know I love reading blogs of other moms and seeing what they are doing with their kids. I know one thing for sure, writing about all the Love and Logic stuff has really drilled it into my head. I think I'm going to be dreaming about this stuff!!
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