"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!" Psalm 127:3-5
The Four Principles of Love and Logic:
Little Aida looked up at her mother, her smile turning to a frown, and said, "I like to put on my socks first."
"It's just not right," her mother said, more calmly. "You put on your dress first. Then, you put on your socks and shoes. Here, I'll do it for you. Come over here, right now."
"My feet are cold, so I put my socks on first," the six-year old told her mother.
"I don't have time for this foolishness," her mom said, looking at her watch, dressing her child. "You never listen, and you never do things the way you're supposed to do them. What am I going to do with you?"
"Alec, honey!" his mother said, "You still have your slippers on and we have to go to school. The car leaves in five minutes."
"I like my Mickey slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school."
"I know you like them, Sweetie," his mother said lovingly, thinking that she'd like to stay in hers too.
Then, she decided to paint Alec a picture of how he would face the day in his slippers. She did it by asking questions.
"How do you think your slippers would work in the classroom?" She asked.
"Great!" the five-year-old said with enthusiasm.
"How do you think they'll work when you go outside for recess?" his mother asked.
"Oh!" little Alec said.
His mother was very quiet and didn't say another word, which gave Alec time to think.
"I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. Can I pack my slippers on my backpack?"
"Sure, Honey. Car leaves in four minutes."
*Many concepts and direct quotes (not marked) found in this post and the ones to follow are taken directly from the book Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.
Since becoming parents a little over a year ago, Drew and I have spent alot of time contemplating what it means to be "good" parents. Being a parent is an enormous responsibility! Not only will our actions affect Isaiah and our future children, they will also affect our children's children, and their children's children, and so on! Wow! Talk about pressure!
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| Just minutes after Isaiah's birth! |
Children truly are a blessing from the Lord! So how do we take this blessing the Lord has given us and "not provoke [our] children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4 )?
There is a parenting/discipline book that we love called Love and Logic Magic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay (there are different ones for different aged children. So far, we've only read the one for early childhood). This book is packed with information on how to raise a child with a healthy self esteem, how to get your children to obey promptly, and how to instill in your children an indwelling desire to do right that follows them into adulthood.
The Four Principles of Love and Logic:
- Build the Self-Concept- Everything kids learn and do affects how they see themselves, which, in turn, determines what they choose to do with their lives.
- Share the Control- Control is like love. The more we give away, the more we get in return.
- Offer empathy, then consequences- Empathy allows children to learn from their mistakes instead of learning to resent adults.
- Share the thinking- Give your kids a lifelong gift. Every time they cause a problem or make a mistake, allow them to think more about the solution than you do.
Over the next few blog posts I will be expanding on the four Love and Logic principles. But, let me first start off with a disclaimer and say that Drew and I realize that we have only been parents for one year and that parenting is HARD! We don't claim to have all the answers and we aren't saying that our children will all turn out to be perfect, well behaved angels if we just follow these four simple steps. In fact, the goal of parenting is not actually to have perfect angels for children (although that would be nice)! God made us parents so that we could love, direct, teach, train, discipline, and form these precious little ones into boys and girls and someday men and women who love, fear,and serve Him. Not all children turn out that way that parents want them to but we certainly want to do our best to build a legacy of loving Christ that carries through to our future generations!
We're no experts but we are passionate about parenting and we want to share the knowledge that we are gaining with you so that, as we travel this parenting road together, we can learn something from each other! There are never any guarantees in parenting. But we want to raise the odds of our children turning out well, and we want to start early!
We're no experts but we are passionate about parenting and we want to share the knowledge that we are gaining with you so that, as we travel this parenting road together, we can learn something from each other! There are never any guarantees in parenting. But we want to raise the odds of our children turning out well, and we want to start early!
We want to be the best parents we can be to all the children the Lord may bless us with. That's why we pray, read, ask advice from others, and experiment on Isaiah (AKA the guinea pig!!). Hey, I was a first born and I turned out ok...so it can't be that bad!
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| Our little peanut! |
The first principle of Love and Logic is:
Build a high self-concept
Build a high self-concept
This is the cornerstone of a healthy child. The building of both the high and the low self-concept happens over time, to all kinds of families, and both are based on small "deposits" that are made on a daily basis - one piece of information at a time.
Good Love and Logic parents make several "deposits" throughout the day so that when it comes time to make a "withdrawal" their kids can handle it and bounce back more easily. "Deposits" are things like compliments on a job well done, giving your children many choices throughout the day, and allowing your child to think of solutions on their own. "Withdrawals" are making your child feel stupid and unable to make healthy decisions on their own, rescuing them from every mistake or learning experience as well as "necessary evils" such as punishment for disobedience, not giving a choice about something (e.g. "You may not put that fork in the outlet!") etc.
Read Aida's story below to see an example of a parent who, unwittingly, was creating a low self-concept in her daughter.
"NO!" Aida's mother said with exasperation. "How many times must I tell you to put on your clothes?" she shouted.Little Aida looked up at her mother, her smile turning to a frown, and said, "I like to put on my socks first."
"It's just not right," her mother said, more calmly. "You put on your dress first. Then, you put on your socks and shoes. Here, I'll do it for you. Come over here, right now."
"My feet are cold, so I put my socks on first," the six-year old told her mother.
"I don't have time for this foolishness," her mom said, looking at her watch, dressing her child. "You never listen, and you never do things the way you're supposed to do them. What am I going to do with you?"
Every time Aida is treated this way constitutes a "withdrawal" from her healthy self-concept account. Despite the fact that her mother would probably be the last person to wish a low-self-concept on her daughter, she is, unwittingly, helping to create it.
At Alec's house, things are different.
"Alec, honey!" his mother said, "You still have your slippers on and we have to go to school. The car leaves in five minutes."
"I like my Mickey slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school."
"I know you like them, Sweetie," his mother said lovingly, thinking that she'd like to stay in hers too.
Then, she decided to paint Alec a picture of how he would face the day in his slippers. She did it by asking questions.
"How do you think your slippers would work in the classroom?" She asked.
"Great!" the five-year-old said with enthusiasm.
"How do you think they'll work when you go outside for recess?" his mother asked.
"Oh!" little Alec said.
His mother was very quiet and didn't say another word, which gave Alec time to think.
"I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. Can I pack my slippers on my backpack?"
"Sure, Honey. Car leaves in four minutes."
Alec's mother gave him a gift. She allowed him to think for himself. With unconditional love and wise questions, she let him make a decision, knowing he was smart enough to make a good one.
Along with constantly making "deposits" of self-worth in our children, it is also important that we allow our children to make and learn from their mistakes. How can our children learn to respect the word "hot" if we never let them learn what it means? How can we expect them to obey the word "no" if we always instantly pick them up and move them away from the situations they are not supposed to be in? Every time we rescue our children, we erase their self-concept. Each time they solve a problem instead, we help them strengthen it.
Did we completely baby proof our house so that nothing breakable is on low level shelves? No way! We want Isaiah to learn not to touch those things when we say NO! Did we let Isaiah briefly touch my curling iron to teach him what "hot" means? You betcha! And now we feel confident that if he starts running headlong into an open oven he will know what we mean when we say, "ISAIAH STOP HOT!" Do we have cabinet locks to keep all our dangerous chemicals locked up? Of course! It's not about letting your children play with danger. Love and Logic is about letting your child make "safe" mistakes and learn from them so that they will develop a healthy self-concept and make wise choices in the future.
FORMULA FOR A LOW SELF-CONCEPT
Parents who:
- Find faults and criticize
- Insist on doing everything for their children
- Don't allow their children to experience the joy of independent success
FORMULA FOR A HIGH SELF-CONCEPT
Parents who:
- Offer empathy, understanding, and unconditional love
- Allow their children to struggle and solve their own problems
- Encourage children to learn to succeed through personal thinking and learning
There's so much more I could write but I need to stop for now! =) I'll finish up the other three principles later! I'll leave you with this: Regardless of all our technological advances, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their growing children! What a huge responsibility parents have!
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| Enjoying our new baby boy; Isaiah mark, our blessing! |
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