LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC! Part IV

Successful people never fail, because they turn their failures into wisdom.

It's me again! I'm posting my fourth post on a parenting book called Love and Logic Magic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. If you missed the previous three posts you can find them here, here, and here.

In my previous posts I talked about the first three Love and Logic principles. They are Build the Self-Concept, Share the Control, and Offer Empathy, then Consequences.

Just chillin out...enjoying the ride!

The Fourth Principle of Love and Logic is: Share the Thinking

Shared thinking means using lots of love and empathy and guiding a child toward solutions rather than either rescuing or automatically doling out punishment. Shared thinking starts when we ask questions.

"What a bummer, Ricky," the mother says to her five-year-old. "You gave your little sister a haircut, and now one side is really long, and the other is short and crooked. What are you going to do?"

Ricky scrunches up his shoulders and mumbles, "Don't know."

Mom responds softly, Would you like to hear some ideas?"

"Uh-huh."

"One idea is to open your piggy bank and find enough money to have a barber fix her hair. How will that work?"

"Ricky's eyes light up. "That sounds good, Mommy. How much will it cost?"

"I'm not sure. I'll show you how to dial the barbershop, and you can ask him how much he charges."

Ricky learns all about using the phone. His little finger pushes the buttons, he utters his question to the barber, listens, says good-bye, and hangs up. Tears are now running down his cheeks. Sniffling, he says, "The man said it's gonna cost six dollars. I only have three. What am I supposed to do?"

Mom replies with empathy. "This is so sad. I'm not sure." She pauses to add a little drama. "Want another idea?"

Ricky nods his head "yes."

"You can earn the other three dollars by helping me with a bunch of chores around here, like dusting and pulling up weeds in the yard. How would that work?"

Ricky looks up and says, "I hate chores."

Mom responds, "Another idea is to pay me with your Commander Bob Action Figure. How would that..."

With half-dollar-sized eyes, Ricky interrupts, "I'll do chores. I'll do chores!"

Did you notice how much thinking Ricky had to do! His mom just built his self-concept through the roof by helping him to do his own thinking and solve his own problem. She didn't get angry or jump in and rescue him.

Having fun on our vacation to Mackinac Island!

Oscar said to his five-year-old daughter, Natalie, "Time to head for school. It's chilly out. Do you want to wear your coat, or do you want to carry it and see how long you can do without it?"

Notice how Oscar gave Natalie a choice but both options mean that she has to take her coat with her.

"I'll take it," Natalie said, "and see how long I can do without it."

As they drove to school, Natalie sat in the backseat and said, "I'm cold, Daddy. Turn up the heat." Natalie's coat was on the seat next to her.
Oscar felt like saying, "Well, put your coat on dummy!" Instead, he remembered his Love and Logic training and opted to say something a bit more loving and effective. "What do you think you can do?" he asked his daughter. Then he shut his mouth and waited a few seconds.

"Oh!" said Natalie, stopping to think and then declaring, "I better put my coat on."

Did you notice how Natalie's father resisted the urge to tell her what to do or to put her down?

Children who can solve their own problems wind up feeling better about themselves!

Here are four very powerful actions parents can take to raise kids who make wise decisions:

Help your child feel good about him or herself.

Develop a strong bond of love and trust with your child.

Allow your child to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them at an early age.

Give your child plenty of practice thinking and solving problems.

The more empathy and understanding we display, the more our children are forced to think about the pain they have created for themselves. The more anger and frustration we show, the less our children think- and the less they learn about solving problems. It is never too early to start teaching your child WISDOM! Wouldn't it be great if your children could learn, early on, that every choice they make affects the quality of their lives? A combination of love and logic can create this learning now, while they are still very young. 

Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic happens when we allow them to live with the consequences of their choices. 

Often times parents use warnings because they love their kids and have read pop psychology books that tell them to do so. Love and Logic parents do not warn their children two, three, or four times before imposing consequences. They set the limit once- and follow through with loving yet powerful actions.

Instead of saying, "Pick up your toys..." and then saying, "Oh, now, didn't I tell you to pick up your toys?" and then warning, "If you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to have to...," the Love and Logic parent simply says, "Feel free to keep the toys you pick up, the rest will be mine!"

That's it. Once is enough. Then, when the toys are still there, the parent says, "Oh, how sad," picks up the toys, and doesn't return them until the child has earned them back by doing some small chore or helping the parent in some other way. If we teach our kids that sad things can happen if wise decisions aren't made the first time, they will be safer and happier in the long run. One thing is certain. Their future bosses will love them...and so will their spouses!

  

Every time we replace anger with empathy and caring, we help a child become better prepared to make wise decisions.

Always wanting to do what Daddy is doing.

My one year old "baby"!

OK, one last thing before I call it a night. One of our favorite applications from the Love and Logic series is the "Uh-oh" song. You use the "Uh-oh" song when your child deliberately misbehaves. Here's how it works:

1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, sing, "Uh-oh" and take action. Maybe you'll carry your child to the bedroom and say, "Looks like a little bedroom time." Or maybe you'll take away an offending object and say calmly, "all gone!" Whatever action you take begins with "Uh-oh!" Why? Because singing this simple song really communicates, "You are such a great kid, and I am such a great parent that I can handle you without yelling, without frowning, and without stressing myself out." 

2. Gently lead or carry your child to his or her room. Make the room safe...you don't want anything broken!

3. Give your child a choice about the door. "Do you need the door shut, or open?" If a child comes out before she's ready, shut the door and make sure that it stays shut. Turn the lock around. Put a towel on top of the door, wedge it tightly so she isn't strong enough to pull it open. Put a latch on the outside. Whatever's safe and easily done. Stay just outside the door. 

4. Say "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet." Don't let your child out until she's calm. Some kids need temporary extended time limits. With some children, the first few times this technique is used, they will need to be in their room for more than an hour. It's ok to check from time to time but don't go in until your child is calm and ready to behave.

5. Don't lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out. Just give them a big hug and move on with your day! If they act up again in a few minutes just sing, "Uh-oh" again and repeat the technique.

6. Have fun with your kids when they're behaving. In order for this technique to work you need to have lots of fun with your kids while they're acting good. Otherwise they will love to go to their room to get away from a nasty parent!! 

Well, there's lots more I could pull out from this book but I think that's the important stuff for now. =) I think I'm going to write one more post to wrap things up and then I'll be done. Bye for now!