Hey Dads: A Man of Sayings for the Man of Sorrows

Below is my collection thus far of some quotes, one-liners, and their explanation (if need be) I have collected from others over the years and or have created from something I've learned. I want to instill these into my children.

"Envy is the seed of discontentment; it gives birth to chaos!" - From James 3:16

"Teach-ability is the posture of humility."

"You can have the best jam in town, but if you spread it on too thin, the toast is no good." - Stewart Hamrick, on spreading yourself too thin in life.

"God will not protect you from anything he will perfect you through." - Bill Muntz on losing his toddler son to a drowning accident.

"Per-se-vere is a three syllable word. Just as 'life'." Referring to life being birth, living, and dying and that trials will come. But we're to persevere well through all 3 eras.

"Unresolved anger is like bad coffee." Referring to unresolved anger or bitterness being like coffee on the burner for too long. If you drink pop over coffee, then it's like pop that's gone flat.

"Discipline is doing what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, when it needs to be done, regardless of how you feel." - Ron Sauer, Greek Prof at Moody Bible Institute

"Cheer for the team, even in defeat." - On loyalty

"Do > Say." - On James 1, being a person of action makes for more influence than merely a person of words.

"Be offensive towards defensiveness." - Referring to being a person who takes ownership of mistakes.

"Who cares if God doesn't?" - On learning in life what matters to the Lord.

Leaving a legacy our children will be proud to carry on is a more difficult feat to conquer than ever. Amidst so many distractions our world promotes today, it is more of a sheer fight to focus on what really matters most.

You can easily look at one's Twitter or Facebook page and easily see where their priorities are. No, I'm not trying to play the role of judge nor cirtic. I just often find many disclosing things virally which are a tad weightless and vain. Do you agree? (And I myself have been victim of this.)



Having said this, one thing I have come to want to be known for by Isaiah and future children, as well as friends and family, is to be a man of sayings for the Man of sorrows. Simply meaning, I want to have several expressions, phrases, figure of speech which I collect or create which teach a life-lesson, a principal, or a token of character. They don't have to be from the Bible or even from a Christian. But, I would love for the greater portion of them to help me and those who hear me say them live life well, and in turn, reflect the work God has done in me through his cultivating grace.

Trying to conquer fixing the sink together.

As I am a young father, I write this post with other young dads, older dads, and future ones in mind. As we're all terminal, and as life is such a blink, seemingly smoke on a mirror, it will be what we did and were known for which lives on following our passing. What is so awesome is that even our words are seeds which give birth to action in the lives of others. Hence, what we say and how we say it hold great potential in leading others in how they may live. Therefore, I want to be known not merely for the things I do, but for what I say.

If you have any that you could add to the list or you say often, I'd like to know - so please share!

An Oldie but a Goodie

We ran across this blog post from Drew's old blog today and thought it deserved a re-post. It's the post he wrote after Isaiah was born and it is one of our favorite posts of all times. When we think back to those first days of having our first child there is nothing that can compare. It is an amazing, beautiful, indescribable thing to become a parent. Enjoy!!

Click Here ---------------> The Birth of Isaiah

LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC!: The Final Post

"I could have no greater joy than to hear that my children are following the truth." 3 John 1:4

Hello again!! It's me and I'm back with one last post. If you haven't been around in a while, my past four posts have been about a parenting book that Drew and I love called Love and Logic Magic. You can find my previous posts here, here, here, and here.

To end my series on parenting I'd like to remind you that it's never too early to start teaching your children! Some people believe that children cannot learn or benefit from discipline until they can converse. Nothing is further from the truth! By the age of nine months, human babies are more intelligent than any other creature on the planet. Begin discipline early so that it will be easier to enforce as your child gets older!


Isaiah loves his Aunt Adelynn



Isaiah with his cousin, Gavin, and his Mimi and Poppy.



Our little family!

This opening presents stuff is fun!



My parents didn't have Love and Logic when I was born but they raised me using many of the same techniques. I'm so thankful for the time and effort they put into parenting us children in this way and I think they did a wonderful job! I have always been best friends with my mom and I have an even greater appreciation for her now that I'm a mom myself! In the same way, Drew is best friends with his dad! We are so blessed to have godly examples of family who show us what it means to be good parents!

And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching.

Titus 2:7

Bed Head!



Eating his "man" breakfast. Sausage and eggs!

  

Always lovin to make music!

Being a parent can be a tough job but it can also wield many wonderful rewards! God gives us encouragement in His word: Deuteronomy 31:8 tells us that, “The Lord is indeed going before you – he will be with you; he will not fail you or abandon you. Do not be afraid or discouraged!” We have the best teacher a parent could ask for in the Lord! He's given us His word and He's given us a direct lifeline to Him (prayer) that gives us ultimate access to a wealth of information on how to be a parent. And the Lord is walking us through the process. No issue or question is to small to bring before Him! 



Oh, a drawer that's not in the dresser at the moment? A perfect spot for a hideout!

  

Supporting Drew's youth group with our Under Fire hoodies.

One of my favorite quotes from the Love and Logic book is this: A simple trick of successful parenting is to have lots of fun with your kids when they're behaving so they'll miss you when they go to their room. What a wonderful way to parent! =) Be silly with your kids. Have fun. Partake in the joy. Then, when they misbehave, all the fun shuts down. You're not angry, and you don't yell, but you are very boring when their behavior turns sour. Teach them that a life of misbehavior is pretty dull.

 Remember: Parenting Can be Fun! :)

Zai loves his Auntie Addie and Auntie Janae because they play fun games with him!

 Well, it's been fun and I'm a bit sad now, but I think it's time to end this series! I've enjoyed writing these posts because it's helping to drill these concepts into my mind as well!

I just want to encourage some of you out there who may be discouraged in your parenting journey. Parenting is not guaranteed. Sometimes parents can do ALL the right things and they still end up with disobedient or rebellious children. Some children are more strong willed than others and thus make parenting more difficult. Different children need different punishment techniques. Different parents need to use different punishment techniques! And despite our best efforts, our kids may not turn out as perfect as we want them to. And that's ok. You know why? Because God has instructed us to do our best in raising our children. He doesn't expect us to be perfect and it's not always our fault if our children stray.

At the end of the day, we can take comfort in knowing that we have done the best job we can as parents- we have covered our children in prayer, we have learned what God's word says about children/discipline, and we have determined, with the Lord, the kind of parenting our children need. In the end, some of it is out of our hands!

I am totally head over heals in love with this boy. =)

Something I read in my Bible study this week really encouraged me. It said: "Children make choices and choices have consequences. We can only train, guide, and discipline. Then we hope and pray. We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time, and we must never stop praying! Our job as parents is to try and turn our children's hearts towards God, knowing full well that some hearts turn towards Him and others turn away." Amen! 

 I'd like to leave you with a song by one of my favorite artists, Sara Groves. It is a very moving song about how our actions today affect our children and our children's children and their children's children, and so on. We can pass on a curse or a blessing to our future children! What legacy do you want to pass on????



LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC! Part IV

Successful people never fail, because they turn their failures into wisdom.

It's me again! I'm posting my fourth post on a parenting book called Love and Logic Magic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. If you missed the previous three posts you can find them here, here, and here.

In my previous posts I talked about the first three Love and Logic principles. They are Build the Self-Concept, Share the Control, and Offer Empathy, then Consequences.

Just chillin out...enjoying the ride!

The Fourth Principle of Love and Logic is: Share the Thinking

Shared thinking means using lots of love and empathy and guiding a child toward solutions rather than either rescuing or automatically doling out punishment. Shared thinking starts when we ask questions.

"What a bummer, Ricky," the mother says to her five-year-old. "You gave your little sister a haircut, and now one side is really long, and the other is short and crooked. What are you going to do?"

Ricky scrunches up his shoulders and mumbles, "Don't know."

Mom responds softly, Would you like to hear some ideas?"

"Uh-huh."

"One idea is to open your piggy bank and find enough money to have a barber fix her hair. How will that work?"

"Ricky's eyes light up. "That sounds good, Mommy. How much will it cost?"

"I'm not sure. I'll show you how to dial the barbershop, and you can ask him how much he charges."

Ricky learns all about using the phone. His little finger pushes the buttons, he utters his question to the barber, listens, says good-bye, and hangs up. Tears are now running down his cheeks. Sniffling, he says, "The man said it's gonna cost six dollars. I only have three. What am I supposed to do?"

Mom replies with empathy. "This is so sad. I'm not sure." She pauses to add a little drama. "Want another idea?"

Ricky nods his head "yes."

"You can earn the other three dollars by helping me with a bunch of chores around here, like dusting and pulling up weeds in the yard. How would that work?"

Ricky looks up and says, "I hate chores."

Mom responds, "Another idea is to pay me with your Commander Bob Action Figure. How would that..."

With half-dollar-sized eyes, Ricky interrupts, "I'll do chores. I'll do chores!"

Did you notice how much thinking Ricky had to do! His mom just built his self-concept through the roof by helping him to do his own thinking and solve his own problem. She didn't get angry or jump in and rescue him.

Having fun on our vacation to Mackinac Island!

Oscar said to his five-year-old daughter, Natalie, "Time to head for school. It's chilly out. Do you want to wear your coat, or do you want to carry it and see how long you can do without it?"

Notice how Oscar gave Natalie a choice but both options mean that she has to take her coat with her.

"I'll take it," Natalie said, "and see how long I can do without it."

As they drove to school, Natalie sat in the backseat and said, "I'm cold, Daddy. Turn up the heat." Natalie's coat was on the seat next to her.
Oscar felt like saying, "Well, put your coat on dummy!" Instead, he remembered his Love and Logic training and opted to say something a bit more loving and effective. "What do you think you can do?" he asked his daughter. Then he shut his mouth and waited a few seconds.

"Oh!" said Natalie, stopping to think and then declaring, "I better put my coat on."

Did you notice how Natalie's father resisted the urge to tell her what to do or to put her down?

Children who can solve their own problems wind up feeling better about themselves!

Here are four very powerful actions parents can take to raise kids who make wise decisions:

Help your child feel good about him or herself.

Develop a strong bond of love and trust with your child.

Allow your child to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them at an early age.

Give your child plenty of practice thinking and solving problems.

The more empathy and understanding we display, the more our children are forced to think about the pain they have created for themselves. The more anger and frustration we show, the less our children think- and the less they learn about solving problems. It is never too early to start teaching your child WISDOM! Wouldn't it be great if your children could learn, early on, that every choice they make affects the quality of their lives? A combination of love and logic can create this learning now, while they are still very young. 

Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic happens when we allow them to live with the consequences of their choices. 

Often times parents use warnings because they love their kids and have read pop psychology books that tell them to do so. Love and Logic parents do not warn their children two, three, or four times before imposing consequences. They set the limit once- and follow through with loving yet powerful actions.

Instead of saying, "Pick up your toys..." and then saying, "Oh, now, didn't I tell you to pick up your toys?" and then warning, "If you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to have to...," the Love and Logic parent simply says, "Feel free to keep the toys you pick up, the rest will be mine!"

That's it. Once is enough. Then, when the toys are still there, the parent says, "Oh, how sad," picks up the toys, and doesn't return them until the child has earned them back by doing some small chore or helping the parent in some other way. If we teach our kids that sad things can happen if wise decisions aren't made the first time, they will be safer and happier in the long run. One thing is certain. Their future bosses will love them...and so will their spouses!

  

Every time we replace anger with empathy and caring, we help a child become better prepared to make wise decisions.

Always wanting to do what Daddy is doing.

My one year old "baby"!

OK, one last thing before I call it a night. One of our favorite applications from the Love and Logic series is the "Uh-oh" song. You use the "Uh-oh" song when your child deliberately misbehaves. Here's how it works:

1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, sing, "Uh-oh" and take action. Maybe you'll carry your child to the bedroom and say, "Looks like a little bedroom time." Or maybe you'll take away an offending object and say calmly, "all gone!" Whatever action you take begins with "Uh-oh!" Why? Because singing this simple song really communicates, "You are such a great kid, and I am such a great parent that I can handle you without yelling, without frowning, and without stressing myself out." 

2. Gently lead or carry your child to his or her room. Make the room safe...you don't want anything broken!

3. Give your child a choice about the door. "Do you need the door shut, or open?" If a child comes out before she's ready, shut the door and make sure that it stays shut. Turn the lock around. Put a towel on top of the door, wedge it tightly so she isn't strong enough to pull it open. Put a latch on the outside. Whatever's safe and easily done. Stay just outside the door. 

4. Say "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet." Don't let your child out until she's calm. Some kids need temporary extended time limits. With some children, the first few times this technique is used, they will need to be in their room for more than an hour. It's ok to check from time to time but don't go in until your child is calm and ready to behave.

5. Don't lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out. Just give them a big hug and move on with your day! If they act up again in a few minutes just sing, "Uh-oh" again and repeat the technique.

6. Have fun with your kids when they're behaving. In order for this technique to work you need to have lots of fun with your kids while they're acting good. Otherwise they will love to go to their room to get away from a nasty parent!! 

Well, there's lots more I could pull out from this book but I think that's the important stuff for now. =) I think I'm going to write one more post to wrap things up and then I'll be done. Bye for now!

Jesus Paid it All

Last Friday, Isaiah pinched his pinkie finger in the bathroom door. It was a quick pinch and didn't do too much damage...But, Isaiah cried. Hard. Of course I went running to him and scooped him up in my arms right away. A mother's heart is ripped out of her chest when her baby is in pain! Thankfully, he quickly calmed down. However, he wouldn't let me set him down. No toy or snack or other enticement was going to get him out of my arms. He wanted his mommy.

I absolutely love holding my baby boy...but on this particular day I was swamped with things to do. I was in the middle of getting ready for the day, baking and cleaning for visitors coming over that night, and cooking for a get together we had the next morning. I quickly went through my to-do list in my mind. Put mascara on while holding a baby. Check. Brush teeth while holding a baby. Check. Pick up the house while holding a baby. Check. Clean the toilet while holding a baby. Umm..... Cut up onions, pull apart two whole chickens, and chop fresh cilantro for white chicken chili while holding a baby. Well.... There are alot of things I can do while holding a baby but, alas, some things can not be done with a 16 month old on your hip and only one free hand.

So, somewhat begrudgingly I headed for the nursery, turned off the lights, and rocked my little snuggler in the rocking chair. Soon, Isaiah wanted me to sing to him. So, I sang. We went through everything from Amazing Grace to Father Abraham. I even resorted to the Barney Song! Yikes! I was getting desperate. Then, out of no where, the Lord spoke to me and brought to my mind one of my favorite songs:

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

And, as I sang it out to no one but an empty nursery and a snugly little boy, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of God's presence and struck with a strong reminder of how "small" my own strength really is. God knew about all the things I needed to get done that day. He knew how tight I was for time. Yet, he reminded this "child of weakness" to take the time to watch, and pray, and find in Jesus my all in all!

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.

I can do nothing without Christ and His strength. All my accomplishments, my goals, my winnings, my positions of status or power mean nothing if I am not finding my all in all in Jesus. If I am not waiting for God's direction in what I do, if I am not basking in His presence, if I am not laying everything down at His feet, if I am not giving Him the glory for all I accomplish, then nothing I do truly matters.

What better thing to do on a busy Friday morning than to take the time to hold my precious little boy and fill his little ears with a message of how the Lord paid it all for us, and thus we owe everything to HIM?

Amber

LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC! Part III

Well, now that Christmas is over and things are starting to settle down, I'm back for the third part of my series on a parenting book that Drew and I are currently implementing called Love and Logic Magic by Jim and Charles Fay. If you missed the previous two posts you can catch up here and here.

In posts 1 and 2 I shared with you the first two principles of Love and Logic: Build the Self-Concept and Share the Control.

The third principle of Love and Logic is: Provide a Strong Dose of Empathy Before Delivering Consequences

As you may have learned from personal experience, when we hurt, we are often moved to make changes we might not otherwise make. Similarly, Love and Logic parents know that the pain of poor choices helps children learn to avoid mistakes. They also know that for this to happen, parents must allow it to happen in a loving way. Love and Logic parents are both strict and very loving at the same time.

Love and Logic parents LOVE it when their children make mistakes! Why? Because the price tags of those mistakes made by young children are much smaller than those made by teens. What's the price tag of wasting one's allowance at age five? It's insignificant. What's the price tag of wasting one's paycheck at age twenty-one? That's another story! What's the price tag of crashing one's tricycle? Perhaps a skinned knee. What's the price tag off crashing one's car at age sixteen? Perhaps one's life.

About ready to take off!



Our happy little guy!

A couple of months ago we taught Isaiah the word "hot." He knew when he saw my curling iron that it was "hot" but his book, the wall, his stuffed animal, and the raspberry he was eating were also "hot." We were happy that he could say the word but we wanted him to know the meaning. So, we allowed him to briefly touch my "hot" curling iron. Did he cry? You betcha! (Don't worry, we didn't burn and blister him or anything! =) There was no lasting mark!) But you know what? He learned what "hot" means! And now he says the stove, the hand dryers at McDonald's, his hot dog that just came out of the microwave, and my parents' pellet stove are "hot." He needed to hurt a little to learn to avoid making that mistake in the future. We'd much rather have him cry for a minute from touching one little finger to a curling iron than have him reach out and grab the whole barrel with his hand because he doesn't know what the word "hot" means. It's been a great comfort to us to be able to say something is "hot" and see him avoid it. (And he is just so adorable when he sees something hot. He says "hot, hot, hot" over and over again and reaches out his hand like he's going to touch it and then quickly brings it back again just like we do when we tell him something is hot. He's so precious!)

Here's a picture from this past Christmas that shows Isaiah's understanding of the word hot. We were at my grandparents and they have a gas heater with a very hot pilot flame that has nothing protecting little hands from touching it. Isaiah reached out to touch it while I was taking a picture of him.

 I immediately told him that the heater was hot and he was not allowed to touch it and he pulled his hand right back! He doesn't mess around with hot things! :)

Robert's dad, Steve, had not gone fishing in a long time, and he was looking forward to this trip. This time Steve was taking his son, who was going fishing for the first time. They were both excited; however, by the time they made the hour-long drive, little Robert was what we call "three-quarters cranky"- not really a problem yet, but getting there.

Robert started to whine, "I don't want to go fishing. This is boring. It's cold up here."

"Well," said Steve, "let's give it a try since we came all this way." The two of them found a shallow part of the lake and walked out halfway, where it was only about a foot deep. There were some mossy rocks- fairly flat but not very high- jutting out of the water.

When Steve looked up, he saw Robert starting to climb one of the low rocks. He thought to himself, "I better warn him and tell him to get off that rock. He's going to fall in. I know he is."

What does a wise Love and Logic parent do at this point? The first question is always, "Will my child get hurt if he makes a mistake?" Steve quickly reviewed the situation. "It's sandy here, not high, but he could get cold." The second question a parent asks is, "What will the child learn from this?" Steve thought, "He'll never do it again!"

A second later Steve heard a big splash. he turned and saw Robert jumping out of the water moving toward his father. "Daddy!" Robert cried, "You didn't tell me that rocks get slippery when they're wet!"

"Well," asked his father, with warmth and sadness in his voice, "What do you think?"

"I think they do!" Little Robert said as his dad pulled a towel from his backpack and wrapped it around his son.

"You're right!" said Steve. "You are one smart kid, you know that?"

Steve contributed to Robert's self-concept by letting him make the slippery rock discovery on his own. He didn't enjoy watching his son fall in, but he allowed it, because he knew it was an opportunity for learning. The next time they went fishing, do you think little Robert watched the rocks closely to be sure of his footing? Absolutely!

Love and Logic parents look upon their children's mistakes with great joy! Rather than get angry or frustrated, they see mistakes as opportunities for their kids to think. They ask questions, wait for answers, and make heavy deposits into their children's wisdom accounts. Unfortunately many parents short-circuit or destroy the learning value of mistakes by lecturing or responding with sternness or anger.



Bath time! (and notice the thumb poised for action! I had probably just pulled it out of his mouth. =)

Why Anger Short-Circuits Learning

The "fight or flight" response exists in all human beings. When we feel threatened or in danger, our brain tells us, "this is unsafe! Get ready to fight, or get ready to run away!" When we deliver consequences with anger, children's brains go into "survival" mode rather than "learning" mode. They think more about escaping or getting revenge than about how to make smarter choices in the future. In survival mode, we cannot learn. But, when parents provide empathy before delivering consequences, there is no "fight or flight" response. Our children are much less likely to become too angry or scared to learn or to blame others for his or her mistake.

Every time we use empathy, our kids' reasoning brains turn on. Every time we deliver threats or anger, their reasoning brains turn off. Empathy opens the mind to learning.

ANGER VS. EMPATHY

Consequences with Anger

• Stop spitting that food! Quit it! That's it! I'm sick and tired of this! You'll just have to go hungry!
• For crying out loud! If you would just take care of your toys, they wouldn't break. No! I won't buy you another. What do you think? Do you think money grows on trees?
• No, I am not taking you out for pizza. What do you expect after the way you behaved last time? I hope this teaches you a lesson!
• Quit that wining! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop it! Go to your room!

Consequences with Empathy

• How sad. Dinner is over.
• Bummer. I feel so sad when I break my things.
• That is so sad. We can have pizza sometime when I don't have to worry about tantrums in the restaurant.
• Uh-oh. So sad. Looks like a little bedroom time.

Well, that's all for now, folks! I'll write about the last Love and Logic principle soon. I know to some people this may be pretty boring but I am sure to many mothers with young kids out there it is very, very interesting! =) I know I love reading blogs of other moms and seeing what they are doing with their kids. I know one thing for sure, writing about all the Love and Logic stuff has really drilled it into my head. I think I'm going to be dreaming about this stuff!!

LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC! Part II

As Isaiah gets older and is showing more and more of his will, personality, and disposition, Drew and I have spent more and more time contemplating how to raise our little guy to be a godly man who respects others and fears the Lord. Parenting is a daunting task and so much is on the line! A book that we have found very helpful as we wade through all the information on how to raise children is a book called Love and Logic Magic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. In my first post on the book I talked about the first principle of Love and Logic which is: Build the Self-Concept.

The second principle of Love and Logic is: Share the Control!

Control is a basic human emotional need. It's something we crave so strongly that sometimes people will even hurt others- or themselves- to regain it. Yet, battles over control benefit no one. They create tension and make warriors out of people! Love and Logic teaches parents the art of control. What is this "art"? Simply stated, give control away when you don't need it, so you can get some back when you do! Love and Logic also teaches the science of control. What is this "science"? Share control by giving the types of choices that do not cause a problem for you.

Here's a story to give you an example of what I am talking about. It's a little extreme but you'll get the idea! =)

Sammy's father asked him, "Do you think it would be a good day to have fun at the park, or do you think it would be a good day to not have fun at the park?"

Sammy's eyes lit up, he got this funny look on his face, and he said, "Fun at the park, Silly!"

Dad is sharing control with some fun choices. Mom decides to join in the fun.

"Okay. Now, let's see," she adds. "Do you want me to put your car seat on the left side of the backseat, or the right side?"

"I want to sit in the front!" says Sammy.

"Oh, that wasn't a choice. Let's put you on the right side." Not giving his child a chance to complain, Sammy's dad moves forward quickly. "Do you want me to drive the speed limit, or do you want me to drive a bit slower?"

"I want you to drive the speed limit, so we can get there fast!" Sammy says, partly exasperated by all these questions but, at the same time, feeling a great sense of control in telling his father how to drive the car.

When they get to the park, Sammy's mother asks, "Do you want to get on the swing first, or would you rather get on the slide?"

"I want to swing first!"

"Okay," says dad. "Do you want me to push you, or do you want to swing by yourself?"

"Push me!" Sammy says, all excited.

"You want me to push you hard, or soft?"

"Hard!"

"Oh, okay," says his father. "Do you want to fall off and hurt yourself, or not fall off and hurt yourself?"

"Not!" says Sammy, perfectly seriously, although by now his mom and dad are laughing, so he does, too.

"Okay," says Sammy's mother. "You said you wanted to go on the slide. Do you want me to go on with you, or do you want me to stay here and watch?"

"You watch!" he says.

"You want me to catch you like a big monster and scare you when you come down, or do you want me to stand here and just be quiet?"

The wonderful thing about sharing this kind of control with our kids is that we can get silly with it and make fun for ourselves as well as our kids. Sammy's mother notices that they have another fifteen minutes until they need to go. She signals to her husband.

Sammy's dad says to his toddler, "Time to go, Sammy!"

Sammy is having so much fun, he doesn't want to go. He immediately whines, "I don't want to go!"

This is when a Love and Logic parent says, "Oops! I forgot to give you a choice! Would you like to leave now, or would you like to leave in fifteen minutes?"

Guess what this kid is going to choose.

"Fifteen minutes," the happy child says, claiming his control as if he's just won a prize. As this time expires, Daddy says, "Okay! Fifteen minutes is over. Let's go."

Sammy immediately responds, "I don't want to go!"

Mom smiles and whispers, "Now, didn't we give you a lot of choices? This time, it's our turn for a choice. Thanks for understanding." With that information, Sammy looks at the dirt and whispers reluctantly, "Well- Okay."

Sammy's parents shared lots of control by providing plenty of choices. Did you notice that these choices were framed by firm limits? Did you notice how they were careful to give choices only on issues that did not create a problem for anyone on the planet? Did you notice how Sammy responded? These parents are making daily deposits into Sammy's wisdom account that are going to help Sammy- when he's a teenager and throughout his life!

Daddy loves his son.

 Many parents set few limits when their kids are toddlers. They attempt to enforce them later when their children are adolescents. By that time, it's too late.

Sharing control within firm limits teaches wisdom and responsibility. Here is a story of something that we plan to do with Isaiah that shows you what I mean.

Jim gazed lovingly at his little Cindy and asked, "Sweetie? Will you be picking up your toys today, or will I?"

When she forgot, he quietly picks them up and places them on the top shelf of the hallway closet. Love and Logic parents know that children learn best from consequences when their parents avoid reminding or scolding. Jim kept his mouth shut and kept saying to himself, "Let the consequences do the teaching."

The next day, Cindy was a bit confused. "Where are my toys, Daddy?" She asked.

Jim responded softy, "How sad. Remember yesterday when I gave you a choice- to either pick them up or have me do it?"

"Yes, Daddy," she replied.

"Guess what happened?"

"You put them up?" she whined.

Jim simply nodded and whispered, "Yes. Will you be ready to try playing with them again tomorrow, or the day after?"

Cindy cried out, "Today! I want my toys today!"

Jim continued, "Today isn't a choice. Are you going to stop yelling, or do you need to have some 'being quiet' practice in your room?"

Cindy stopped yelling and started weeping softly. Jim looked at her and asked, "Would you like a hug or no hug?"

Cindy looked up and said softly, "Hug."

The next day Cindy's toys reappeared for another Love and Logic training session. Cindy began playing with them but was quickly distracted by her favorite television show. Jim walked by and asked, "Cindy, will you be cleaning up your toys today, or will you be letting me?"

Cindy ran over and began tossing them into her toy chest. Jim couldn't resist asking, "Why are you picking them up instead of letting me?"

"Silly Daddy!" She responded. "I'm going to play with them tomorrow!"



Isaiah's First Christmas!



Here are a list of choices you can give your kids that helps you share control with them:

• Would you like milk or juice with breakfast?
• Are you going to put your shirt on first or your pants on first?
• Are you going to wear your red shorts or your blue ones?
• Are you going to wear your coat or just carry it?
• Do you want a story before bed or no story?
• Do you want your night-light on or off?
• Are you going to brush you teeth now or in five minutes?
• Are you going to have carrots or peas for your vegetable?

Remember:

• Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly.
• Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous and don't create a problem for anyone else on the planet.
• Always offer two options, each a choice that makes you happy.
• In ten second flat, choose for the child if he or she doesn't.

Ok, it's time for me to end this post but before I do I want to say, once again, that Drew and I are not perfect parents and we certainly do not have a perfect child (if you have spent any time around Isaiah you will know that I am telling the truth =)! We are learning right along with you! We have been encouraged by the Love and Logic book and we want to share the knowledge we have gained with other parents struggling to give their children the highest odds of turning out well!

Here's some homework for you this week:

1. See how many choices you can give your child during the day. Every choice you give becomes a "deposit" into your child's sense of healthy control. Have some fun. Even when choices seem small and a bit silly, they can be very powerful.

2. Make a "withdrawal" and see how your child reacts. Pick an issue and choose not to give your child a choice. For example, "Please go to bed. Thank you." If your child says something like, "I don't want to," try saying, "Don't I give you lots of choices? This time it's my turn. Thank you." See how your child reacts. Love and Logic parents say over and over again that the more choices, or "deposits" they make, the more cooperative their kids become. Sounds good to me!!